When it comes to breakfast, bigger is always better, and you can rest assured that the Loaded Breakfast Sandwich delivers the shit out of that idiom. It’s like a fast-food Dagwood, with two distinct, real-life fried eggs (as in, they look and taste like they came out of an actual shell instead of a murky, industrial-sized plastic bag), two slices of American cheese, and what can only be described as pork three ways: a smoky sausage patty, a thin slab of salty ham, and a couple crunchy bacon strips, piled high between two buttery slices of Jack’s beloved seared sourdough. You might not feel amazing after housing one of these greasy devils, but damn does it ever feel good going down. Pass the napkins, please.
9. Chick-fil-A: Chick-n-Minis
Availability: Until 10:30am
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Good things are said to come in small packages. Engagement rings. Volkswagen Beetles. Tom Cruise. We could continue, but instead, let’s focus on the Lil’-est entry on this list (with the most hyphens, weirdly), Chick-fil-A’s Chick-n-Minis. Basically, they’re minute versions of the classic chicken biscuit. Why do the mini-options reign over their big-boy brother? When you eat one of these, you get the best bite of the big chicken sandwich, in every single nosh — an essential pastiche of biscuit and fried chicken that fits comfortably in the palm of your tongue, always guaranteed to hit the right spots on your palate. Also, they’re just fun to look at. So little!
10. Whataburger: Taquito with potato, egg & cheese
Availability: 11pm to 11am
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If Whataburger takes the crown as Ms. Fast-Food Texas — and trust me, it does — then the taquito with cheese is breakfast royalty. It’s simple, sure, but the simplicity is what makes it great. The wrap’s four basic ingredients are woven into irresistible, shining harmony, a silky sea of scrambled eggs and marble-sized potato rounds nestled atop American cheese, swaddled in a chewy, lightly toasted flour tortilla. Considering all the meaty competition at Whataburger (not to mention the writers’ penchant for pork rolls), the taquito’s dominance is a bit of a welcome surprise.
11. Dunkin’ Donuts: Donuts
Availability: All day
Dunkin’ Donuts
Sometimes, you can’t play coy or buy into the bullshit of trendy breakfast sandwiches or healthy-ish options that crop up on fast-food menus. Sometimes the best is ubiquitous and boring for a damn good reason. If there’s one food that Dunkin’ simply does better than the rest, it’s its kaleidoscopic array of donuts — for instance, the ubiquitous strawberry-frosted with sprinkles (or in layman’s terms, the “Homer Simpson”). America, apparently, runs on them. Though it needs to take a quick breather after a few steps to let its sky-rocketing blood pressure cool down.
12. Starbucks: Slow-roasted ham, Swiss & egg breakfast sandwich
Availability: All day
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Despite a curious recent foray into happy hour territory, Starbucks is a breakfast chain, so narrowing its lengthy menu down to one AM choice was understandably tough. We decided to pull from its more substantial offerings. (read: no Frappuccinos), and the slow-roasted ham and Swiss immediately rose to the top. In this piping-hot, artisanal-style sandwich, a savory croissant roll acts as a vehicle for delicate cuts of Italian ‘prosciutto cotto’ (OK Starbucks, calm down), a perfectly round fried egg patty, and the most flavorful Swiss cheese to have ever graced a convenience sandwich. Though somewhat oily, these sophisticated snackers manage to hit the spot without immediately knocking you out, a rare feat in the gut-busting fast-food community.
13. Carl’s Jr.: Breakfast burger
Availability: Until 10:30am
Chew Boom
Back in late 2004, Carl’s Jr. made waves when it dropped this heart-stopping stack of meaty, cheesy, ketchupy satisfaction, and more than a decade later, the beast is still kicking. It begins with the standard fixings (fried egg, bacon, American cheese), then takes a welcome turn with the addition of two unexpected elements: a handful of hash-brown nugs and a charbroiled all-beef patty, presented between two pillowy seeded hamburger buns. Biting into this baby is quite the experience, with each explosive layer contributing its own special taste and texture. Basically, it’s a burger with breakfast on top — what more could a penny-pinching brunch junkie want?
14. Tim Hortons: Hot breakfast sandwich
Availability: Until 5 pm
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“This is what ‘good morning’ tastes like,” boasts the famed Canadian transplant’s website. We’re still pondering over good morning’s edibility, but we do know a quality sandwich when we see one. Hortons’ hot breakfast sandwich is a delectable, highly customizable wonderland of fat and flavor. Timmy Ho’s devotees can top their omelet-and-cheese combo with sausage, bacon, or turkey sausage, and choose from a homestyle biscuit, a toasted plain bagel, a buttery croissant, or a nostalgia-inducing English muffin (nooks and crannies, anybody?). Only in a country as accommodating as Canada do you get eight completely unique variations of a single breakfast item, and we couldn’t be more thankful.
